The following is a paper I wrote for 2005 College Student Essay Competition held by the Freedom From Religion Foundation. If I remember correctly, the writing prompt was that we were to describe growing up as an atheist or agnostic. I gladly took the opportunity to talk about religious freedom. A PDF version of my essay Growing Up Atheist is also available. You might also notice I reuse some of my prior writings from this website.

Growing up living with my grandparents, with my dad in prison and with my mom no where to be seen, I was always the odd kid. Of course, my thick glasses and skinny person did not help matters. My grandparents never brought up religion. I never was indoctrinated into a church. I would be lying if I said that I would be comfortable becoming a religious person. I have had numerous influences in my life growing up, but have finally found my place in this universe. And feel at peace with myself and my beliefs.

I grew up watching Sesame Street, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, The Letter People and other kids television shows. Given my thick glasses, I identified with and idolized the scientists in television shows, seeing as how people looked up to them. I loved learning, soaking up every bit of information I could get. Sometimes I would catch the beginning of other shows like The 700 Club. The cynical among us might say that it was no wonder I later came to identify myself as an Atheist. Television was my first exposure to religion of any sort. Television also served to be my first introduction to the term "Atheist."

I remember when I was seven years old, watching the now famous toppling of a statue in the Tienanmen Square massacre in 1989. In the next segment of the news broadcasting, there was an interview with someone claiming to be an "Atheist." The interviewee seemed like a perfectly reasonable person, but I remember there being a lot of angry people heckling the lady about not believing in a god. At this time, I still did not know who or what god was, but I had learned that some people pray to it.

When I was around ten years old, I began spending more time with my mother. She was now a born-again Christian. Every time I went to see her, she would bring up religion, ask if I would like to attend church with her sometime, tried to interest me in Bible study, and even took me to church a couple times. I began to understand the appeal that a religious gathering gives its attendees. The appeal that I saw was that there were many seemingly nice people that got together and had a good time. However, this still did nothing to convince me of the existence of a god or of the divinity of Jesus. And, I began to loathe visiting with my mother because I knew I would be in the uncomfortable position of having to say that I did not want to attend church.

My early teenage years were as tumultuous as any other teenager's. I yearned for a group with whom I could identify myself and after discovering an IRC (Internet Relay Chat) channel specifically geared towards Atheists and "debate", I had thought I found my home. IRC had an extraordinary impact on my life. Speaking to semi-anonymous strangers online gave me a sense of confidence I had never felt prior. I started speaking out more about my lack of religious beliefs. I adopted the stance of "strong atheism" where I actively said there was no god. Living in Central Illinois, a very conservative piece of farm-country, many of my friends in high school now took great offense to what I was saying. To people whom I did not like, I would outwardly and purposefully be hostile towards their religion. To me, science existed to explain everything we wanted to know about the workings of the universe. Assuming that a god existed, in my eyes, only served to distract one from the truth.

This was a time at which I would see anything done by racists, bigots, warmongers as acts being carried out on behalf of Christianity. If someone wanted to restrict peoples’ freedoms in the bedroom, it was because that someone was a Christian. When an abortion clinic was bombed, or evolution (or science in general) was derided, it was a Christian doing it. All the wars, suffering, library burning, and progress-stifling were the fault of Christians.

When I finally started college, I was exposed to an entirely new embodiment of Academia. I took an interest in philosophy, the rules of logic as they applied to debate, and began analyzing the way I argued. When debating online, I began to find it more difficult to argue that there was no god. What I came to realize was that when I assert that there is no god, then I am making a claim that must be supported. Since I cannot prove the absence of something, especially something that could by some accounts be any place at any time, then my argument is baseless. However, I know that when a believer claims that a god exists, then unless they provide evidence for their claim, their claim is baseless too. So, the solution to my predicament was to adopt the position that I don’t know whether a god exists, but since I don’t have any reason to believe that one exists, then I won’t believe that one exists.

In June of 2001, when I was 19, I entered into a relationship with a Christian girl, Kristen. Of the many benefits offered by such a relationship, the benefit that I found the most helpful in my personal development was being able to talk about my beliefs and her beliefs, without hostility, and with being able to question what was said without any offense being had. I was introduced to the notion of a "personal god", a god that exhibits itself in different manners to different people. It was explained as being a personal relationship. If two people, say Bertrand and Ernestine, had a mutual third friend, say Friedrich, then Bertrand would not expect his relationship with Friedrich to be the same as Ernestine's relationship with Friedrich. So, too, would one not expect one person's view, interpretation and experience of god to be the same as another's.

Kristen has been an enormous eye-opener for me. She has shown me that a person can be for peace and freedom and still be devout. Her selfless caring and compassion lead me to believe that those qualities are what attracts people to the idea of Jesus. She believes that religion is a personal matter that should not be forced on others. She has helped me to understand that "Christian" does not mean "bigot".

Blaise Pascal had a famous wager (aptly called "Pascal’s Wager") where he argued that it is most beneficial for one to believe in a god, for if you believe in a god and a god does exist, you go to heaven. If you do not believe in a god, and a god exists, you will be punished. If a god does not exist, then you have lost nothing regardless of your beliefs. I take issue with this, however, because if an omniscient and omnipotent god exists, then surely a false belief would not suffice as reason for going to heaven. An all-knowing god would see through the false-motives of those who sought salvation on their knees while acting as they please.

Instead, my wager is that if there is a god, and it is a just god, then living a just and moral life will be acknowledged regardless of one's beliefs. If there exists an unjust or immoral god, then I could never satisfy both my conscience and such a god. My wager is that if the Christians are right about god being just and all-knowing and all-loving, I will be rewarded if I act in morally sound, justified ways.

I don’t know if there is a god. To me, the idea of a god, or even of an afterlife pales in importance to what we experience every day. Life. Life is the only thing that I "know" I have and when that is gone, I doubt I will be around to care, however, others will. I must live my life as I please, and since I believe I will only ever get one chance at it, I want to live it in the best manner that I can and help others do the same.

Regardless of whether a god exists, I or others will see the tangible benefits of moral and just actions. If a just god does exist, then acting in a moral and just fashion should be all that is needed for its approval. If tomorrow I was presented with irrefutable evidence as to the existence of a god, then I would gladly change my position. It would be the only conscionable thing I could do.

Freedom of religion for me has grown to become not only freedom from religion, but freedom of religion for others around me, so long as they acknowledge that same freedom to those around them. It is not my place to tell others what to think or to believe, just as it is not theirs to tell me what to think or to believe.